Pierre Kaufman’s recent academic essay on the nature of kissing¹ raises with it the worrying implication that there’s too much kissing in the world vis a vis there’s too much variety to kissing.

He argues in his paper, published in Sokal Nouveau #067, that by its very nature kissing should be contained to mutually amorous occasions, limited to a peck, and that we should outlaw any other variations. He argues that to kiss in any way shape or form otherwise is tantamount to objectifying the receiver who, he further states, having not instigated the kiss, is forced into an act of parsimonious response. This brings with it further implications of germ warfare, oppression of those deemed to be on the submissive scale of societal stratification, and an act of attempted murder when viewed in a certain lens. It draws upon empirical studies of psychological harms of depersonalised intent by exploring several veins of theoretical literature on the unresponsive reception of the instigator’s puckering of the lips. Of course, not all kisses are the same even if their intent is ultimately one of dominance. Those Kaufman believes pose a multitude of risk include:

• The Gallic Osculation: Widely regarded as the apotheosis of intimate kissing, this modality is characterised by an intricate interplay of tongues, symbolising a profound and passionate connection. Its depth and intensity make it a cornerstone of romantic engagement.
• Single-Lip Focus: A nuanced variant that emphasizes sensuality through the deliberate engagement with a single lip. The unhurried pace fosters an intimate connection, rendering it a quintessential choice for the discerning romantic.
• The Lacertilian Osculation: A playful yet unorthodox derivative of the French kiss, this form is typified by rapid tongue flicking, invoking an almost reptilian aesthetic. While potentially amusing, it risks descending into absurdity if overzealously performed.
• The Air Kiss: Predominantly a construct of upper-echelon social rituals, this practice eschews physical contact in favour of simulated kissing motions accompanied by an audible ‘mwah.’ It functions primarily as a symbol of polite detachment.
• Suction-Based Affection: Viewed as neither playful nor sensual by the author, here gentle suction is applied to the recipient’s lips though its sensual potential is often overshadowed by a propensity for discomfort.
• The Passionate Nip: An intense modality that incorporates elements of controlled biting. While it can amplify passion, the practitioner must exercise precision to avoid transitioning from eroticism to vampiric injury.
• Closed-Mouth: Perhaps the most reserved kiss on Kaufman’s list, this is a form of osculation involving puckered lips without tongue engagement. Its simplicity and adaptability make it suitable for a broad range of social and romantic contexts.
• The Vacuum: This method employs suction to create a dramatic, albeit potentially perplexing, tactile effect. In Kaufman’s observations, he posits that proper forewarning is advised to mitigate recipient bewilderment.

All very normal, we’re sure the reader will agree. However Kaufman then goes on to describe a number of unique variations observed by Christian Missionaries among the various pygmy tribes of New Gotwah:

• The Starlight Osculation: Inspired by celestial aesthetics, this practice involves languid, twinkling kisses shared beneath the night sky. It serves as a metaphor for romance, adventure, and the cosmic dimensions of love.
• The Harmonious Peccatum: Emerging as part of a communal initiative among the tribes, this phenomenon encourages participants to exchange numerous kisses in rapid succession, often numbering into the hundreds, to foster solidarity and togetherness.
• Jungle Kiss Expedition: An interracial adventure-themed kissing event undertaken by pockets of New Gotwahnean’s and the less-prudish and liberated among the missionaries. This hybridised practice sees couples explore different exotic kissing styles inspired by the animal kingdom, incorporating elements such as nibbling and spitting in a playful and light-hearted manner.

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Of course, innovations aren’t only to be found in the jungles south of the equator. It’s arguable that, as news has filtered back from the dark jungles and been reported en masse, kisses of the above description have influenced a number of pan-European countries in the creation of several themed kisses. These can be observed in Iceland, England, Scotland, and Azerbaijan respectively:

• The Aurora Borealis: A unique form of kissing under the Northern Lights, this ethereal modality synchronizes rhythmic, undulating motions of the tongue to create a mesmerising sensory symphony while expressing deep affection and connection.
• The Secret Garden: A union of nature and romance with its genesis in the transcendentalist movement, this gesture incorporates kisses amongst verdant foliage combining the sensual pleasure of the act with the beauty of nature to create a heightened sensory experience of environmental synergy.
• Glaswegian Kiss: Although no longer confined to its city namesake, this unique and paradoxical practice of the Scots, typically observed at closing time on a Friday night at the pub, subverts the affectionate ethos of traditional lip-based kissing and sees the giver offer a sharp, sudden headbutt to someone they have developed a ‘lippy’ relationship with over the course of the evening: as a result, the receiver often gains a broken nose in the process. Though intended as an antagonistic gesture, its inclusion by Kaufman underscores the complexity of osculatory practices.
• Whispering Wind: A delicate and ephemeral style, this modality evokes the gentleness of a breeze, using light and fleeting kisses to convey tenderness and subtle affection.

Not to be outdone by their continental cousins, in the city of Lyon the French have also found an innovative way to combine two of their great passions:

• Gastronomic: A culinary fusion which transforms kissing into a multisensory gastronomic experience. Menu-based, with a style of kiss aligned to an item of food, it incorporates elements like sucking and nibbling in combination with swapping the set dishes back and forth between mouths. Intertwining culinary delights with physical intimacy to often messy results, this practice is perhaps the one Kaufman reserved most of his disgust for.

For further innovation, we must look to new frontiers. With online spaces growing in precedence as the ‘world wide web’ extends its influence, the shy and reserved explorers of cyberspace have similarly adapted kissing to their colonialist intent:

• TechTouch: An innovative form of virtual kissing using advanced technology, it allows couples to bridge physical distance to simulate the sensation of kissing through a combination of virtual reality and haptic feedback devices.

But as with any new futuristic trend, some pockets of society refuse to evolve. They instead look to the warm and comforting embrace of nostalgia to reiterate their belief that ‘things were so much better in the past’ which has led to the creation of:

• Timeless Osculation: Promoting a nostalgic reverence for tradition, this campaign encourages couples to embrace classic kissing styles, such as the peck and closed-mouth kiss, framing them as the enduring charm of traditional expressions of love.

While the implications of each act listed above in view of authors thesis are to be debated, he posits a convincing argument that as the act evolves so too does the element of danger. It should be of no surprise then that Kaufman reserves his ire for a trend among the most daredevil and adventurous in society:

• Adrenaline Kissploration. This exhilarating fusion of extreme sports and passionate connection takes kissing to new heights (literally) as couples partake in thrilling activities like bungee jumping, and at the peak of the adventure they share a heart-pounding, mid-air kiss with the rebound adding an extra bounce to the romantic experience.

Offering a unique blend of adventure and intimacy, creating unforgettable memories for couples seeking an adrenaline-fueled twist to their romantic modality, we find here that the kiss becomes a moment of shared excitement, capturing the thrill of the descent and rush of the rebound, with the couple encouraged to revisit the experience again and again as the elasticated cord stretches and recoils ad nauseum. However, in Kaufman’s reading, the two parties effectively sign a multi-level suicide pact inclusive of both foreseeable factors (i.e. germs, adrenaline) and those pertaining to chance (i.e. plummeting from height, the condition of the elastic).

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In surveying this expansive typology (of which this commentator has only highlighted a handful of items), it’s clear that the manifold forms and interpretations of kissing emerge as complex social, emotional, and cultural phenomena. Perhaps this is why Kaufman takes his biggest umbrage with the Eskimo Kiss and its insistence on extending the nature of kissing to a completely different feature altogether. Bizarrely, the Butterfly Kiss – a sweet and tender gesture whereby the eyelashes of one person are gently brushed against the cheek of another – escaped his attention. A relatively new trend, we can forgive him this oversight. One omission does raise alarm bells however: that he doesn’t mention cunnilingus at any point in his 10,000-word treatise speaks volumes of the man.

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[1] Kaufman, Pierre. “Kiss of Death: Cultural Observations of an Unacceptable Practice.”